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Owen Phillips
Owen Phillips

Wagons East!



Comedic exploits ensue as the drunken wagon master lets his horse choose the correct fork in the road, leads them to a dried out watering hole, and eventually guides them into Sioux territory where they are captured. The Chief, however, is sympathetic to the idea of 'white men heading back east', and offers an escort off Sioux land. Meanwhile, they must also contend with (inept) hired gunslingers who have been sent by railroad magnates to stop the journey, as they fear the bad publicity it could create for the settlers about to commence a 'land rush' into the west.




Wagons East!


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As the cavalry arrives the next day, and the group 'square their wagons', Harlow rides in to the rescue and 'calls out' the cavalry leader to single combat. After a drawn out and comical fight scene, Harlow is victorious, and the group celebrates. Harlow and Belle decide to pursue a relationship, Julian departs for somewhere 'even further west' (San Francisco) and the group rides toward the now visible St. Louis to finish the journey.


That's easy in this film, which is one of the least amusing comedies I've ever seen, right down there with "Clifford." Although it stars the allegedly hip Richard Lewis, its "humor" consists largely of barnyard jokes, kicks in the crotch, hayseeds in love with their cows, jokes about gays and hookers, and a lot of shots where people fall over things, and things fall over them. Everything is punched up by cringe-inducing fiddle music; the score is one of those by-the-numbers jobs where every screen movement is accompanied by a musical note.


It's the kind of movie that begins with a shot of a town, and the subtitle, "Population 67." Then some bad guys shoot up the bank, and a new subtitle says, "Population 62." Har-de-har-har. We're in the old west, a dreadful place that a lot of the locals want to escape - which is why they hire Candy as their wagonmaster, and put together a wagon train to go back east again.


This one's a turkey from the word go, beginning when the citizens of a tiny frontier town decide they've had enough of the Wild West and form an eastward wagon train to return to the comforts of civilization. Candy plays the drunken slob they hire as a wagon master; he conveniently forgets to mention that his previous experience included leading the doomed Donner party to their ghoulish fates.


There's a throw-away subplot about a promoter of westward progress (Gaylard Sartain) who hires a thug (Ed Lauter) to thwart the eastbound wagons, but it's just an excuse to rip off a bunch of tired gags from "Road Runner" cartoons. This is one of those movies that plays out with the lame progression of a terrible comedian's insufferable punchlines. You begin to feel sorry for the cast.


(LLL, VV, SS, NN, A, Ho) Lack of any intelligible thought process makes for no clear worldview; 20 obscenities, 2 profanities, 6 exclamatory profanities, & numerous vulgarities (overt, foul sexual jokes & crude flatulence jokes); western action including fistfights, gunfights resulting in deaths, execution by gunshot through the head (played for laughs!), & nearly every male character is struck in the groin at least once; veiled depiction of married intercourse, implied promiscuity, prostitution, frequent strongly implied bestiality (intercourse with cattle), implied homosexual activity, & frequent (often very crude) sexual innuendo; brief but full female nudity in paintings, partial male nudity in bathing scene & prostitute character wears revealing clothing; alcohol abuse; and, homosexuality playfully promoted.


I feel like this film gets a bad rap because of being seen as the flick that killed John Candy. While by no means a masterpiece, there were definitely at least a few decent chuckles, John Candy and Richard Lewis were pretty on point, and there were some actually decent and clever revisionist choices made in the casting, overall plot, and one liners.


  • Agent Peacock: Camp Gay or not, Julian is quite the gunslinger,

  • Arrow Catch: Slade catches an arrow before tying up everyone.

  • Bank Robbery: Ben's bank gets robbed so often the customers don't have time to make deposits.

  • Bait-and-Switch: At one point, the caravan runs out of food and Willie goes missing. Having just determined their wagon master, James is the guy who guided for the Donner Party, Ben, Zeke, and Phil are afraid he's being roasted on a spit, yelling out "We're sorry, Willie!" Willie yells back "YER sorry? Whoever stole mah Millie's gonna be *really* sorry!" Julian goes, "Oh, Millie! Super!" and digs in to the barbeque.

  • Bestiality Is Depraved: It's heavily implied Willie has sex with his pet cow, Millie. His Imagine Spot of him stripping while running to her doesn't help.

  • Code of Honour: The main characters briefly discuss "The Code of the West" and how stupid it is.

  • Cowboys and Indians: Some of the kids are playing a game involving taking the roles of various adults, and one character is dismayed when a kid complains about playing him.

  • Dedication: It's dedicated to John Candy, who died of a heart attack before the movie was finished.

  • Dwindling Party: The Fergason Brothers die one by one in freak accidents over the course of the film.

  • Fake Shemp: Because John Candy died before the movie was finished, his remaining scenes involved a body double or re-used footage.

  • Farts on Fire: The Ferguson brothers love doing this.

  • Fridge Logic: In-Universe. During the "Square the Wagons" scene, Phil gives the order to circle the wagons when some Sioux braves attack the wagon train. The Native Guide wonders why they make a circle, when a square would force the riders to keep their distance. Phil quickly appends his orders to "Square the wagons," with a tone that indicates he wishes he'd thought of it first.

  • Gay Cowboy: Julian, although none of his friends realize it.

  • Good Old Fisticuffs: At the climax of the film, James and General Custer have a boxing match. Since Custer is an incompetent boob, he's treated with naked contempt by his aide, who drinks his water on him by round two, and spits a mouthful of it in his face.

  • Guns Akimbo: During the dual between Slade and Julian.

  • The Gunslinger: John Slade and Julian

  • Hooker with a Heart of Gold: Belle

  • I Gave My Word: The only reason the mail order bride doesn't try to leave the Ferguson's after realizing they want her to serve as a wife to all of them, although she's clearly reluctant about it.

  • Implausible Deniability: a cow thief denying that he stole Phil's cows at the beginning of the movie, even though the literal brand on them says "Phil's cows". When Phil points this out, his threats are part of what drive Phil (and the others listening to him) head back East in the first place.

  • Injun Country: James leads the wagon train into the heart of Sioux territory.

  • Mail-Order Bride: The Ferguson brothers can't afford individual brides, so they put their money together to buy one.

  • Meadow Run: Parodied in the climax.

  • No Party Like a Donner Party: Discussed and Invoked. James was the wagon master of the Donner Party, and there's a scene where everyone thinks James killed and is currently spit-roasting Willie, but it's actually Willie's pet cow, Millie.

  • Only Useful as Toilet Paper: Bookseller Julian is chagrined to realize that a lot of the local cowboys see his books as this, which helps motivate him to head back East.

  • Planning with Props: James uses kitchen utensils as a map, but he's too drunk to know what he's doing.

  • Quest to the West: Inverted and parodied, since the characters leave West and want to go back East.

  • Railroad Baron: He's willing to have people killed just to avoid the West getting bad publicity.

  • The Reveal: James led the Donner Party.

  • Running Gag: Whenever James drains a whiskey bottle, he makes like he's going to throw it, but then puts it down gently.

  • The Rustler: Someone steals Phil's cows, even though they have "Phil's Cow" branded on them.

  • The Scapegoat: Near the end we find out that James was this to the Donner disaster due to a Sociopathic Soldier in the employ of the Railroad Baron casually mentioning that he took a lot of their food right before they went into that pass that got snowed in, but that James was the one blamed for their starvation.

  • Screw This, I'm Outta Here: The whole premise of the film comes from the characters doing this with the west as a whole and riding back east.

  • Take That!: Pride and Prejudice is used as toilet paper.

  • Tempting Fate: Phil, Ben, and Zeke talk about the Donner Party and the possibility of snow in the middle of summer. The next day, there's snow.

  • Token Evil Teammate: The Ferguson brothers, while they have their funny moments, and do carry their weight, are borderline sociopathic in a lot of scenes and their shared wife is openly hoping for them to die on the trip back, both due to interest in marrying someone else and so she won't have to be shared by as many of them.

  • Unfortunate Names: The chief's son is Little Feather. When he complains, the chief renames him Big Snake That Makes Women Faint.

  • Useful Book: Harry Bob Ferguson uses Pride and Prejudice.

  • Verbal Business Card: "The name's Slade."

  • What Happened to the Mouse??: One of the Ferguson brothers disappears, possibly having been left behind, after he refuses to join the others in fording the river and tries to find another way across.



We were able to identify the first dense Middle Woodland midden at Pinson, spread across two of our excavation units on the eastern portions of the Cochran site, filling in a low-lying area. Excavation of the midden at Cochran reveal an exceptionally greasy soil texture, numerous Middle Woodland sand-tempered ceramic sherds, and numerous pieces of flint debris that resembled stone from Ohio. 041b061a72


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